Best Celebrity Shoes Ever
Does Anybody Remember Laughter?
Everyone in New York City who is even peripherally connected to the entertainment industry--and a lot of people who aren’t--knows someone who has worked on one of these abominations on VH1. You know the ones--the titles are always riddled with superlative adjectives: best, hottest, sexiest. Add a couple of nouns, some photos scanned from People magazine, a music bed of marginally appropriate popular music, and some “experts” (local comedians and assistant editors from Conde Nast publications), and you’ve managed to produce a VH1 show. I could probably have someone make a liitle program for me that would write a title, collect the images, download some clips of music from Amazon, and even email the local talent I’ve picked up at open mikes. Voila! instant VH1 producer. Then I could move to Co-op Village on the Lower East Side. I don’t think they pay their producers enough to live in Williamsburg, but they still make more than I do in publishing.
I know all about these shows because I see them when I’m at the gym. The sound isn’t on, and if they don’t have the subtitles on, I can make up my own dialog. It’s real easy, because none of these people are ever funny, so I don’t have to put any effort in to it. Here’s the weird part though: many of the comedians on these shows are funny in other formats, like on stage, or when they’re in front of you on the line for the bathroom. Somehow VH1, with some sort of demonic quality vacuum, manages to make the funniest people unfunny, the prettiest people unpretty, and the best copyeditors... uh, ok. I’ll stop there.
I’ve been making up my own shows when I complain about these programs to people (mostly strangers on the A, because my “real” friends don’t want to hear about this any more. Whatever!), like Sexiest Celebrity Shoes, Hottest Rockstar Ovens. But finally VH1 beat me at my own game last week with the inane and confusing Hottest Celebrity Pets. Who’s hot, the celebrity or the pet? I watched a few minutes of the show (the 3 minutes they had between 5 minute commercial breaks), and I was still confused. All I know is that celebrities taste in pets is identical to that of 60 year old Dominican women--they all have chihuahuas. Very very hot chihuahuas.
Perhaps I’m bitter because I haven’t been asked to be an “expert”. And yet look at my creds! I’ve read really bad stories at open mikes while spectacularly drunk, been involved with ill-conceived attempts at jokes in front of live audiences, and accused of stalking major contemporary authors. I even have the ethnically ambiguous look so popular in Gap ads these days. I know I’ve never written for Spin, but I did interview for production jobs at both Twist and Teen People. Also, I was on a press OK for another magazine when In Touch was also printing. Isn’t that enough?
VH1 peeps, I know these shows are very inexpensive to produce, but you know what’s even cheaper? Showing music videos! I know, crazy idea, but I think it could really take off.