Monday, August 29, 2005

Best Celebrity Shoes Ever

Or
Does Anybody Remember Laughter?

Everyone in New York City who is even peripherally connected to the entertainment industry--and a lot of people who aren’t--knows someone who has worked on one of these abominations on VH1. You know the ones--the titles are always riddled with superlative adjectives: best, hottest, sexiest. Add a couple of nouns, some photos scanned from People magazine, a music bed of marginally appropriate popular music, and some “experts” (local comedians and assistant editors from Conde Nast publications), and you’ve managed to produce a VH1 show. I could probably have someone make a liitle program for me that would write a title, collect the images, download some clips of music from Amazon, and even email the local talent I’ve picked up at open mikes. Voila! instant VH1 producer. Then I could move to Co-op Village on the Lower East Side. I don’t think they pay their producers enough to live in Williamsburg, but they still make more than I do in publishing.

I know all about these shows because I see them when I’m at the gym. The sound isn’t on, and if they don’t have the subtitles on, I can make up my own dialog. It’s real easy, because none of these people are ever funny, so I don’t have to put any effort in to it. Here’s the weird part though: many of the comedians on these shows are funny in other formats, like on stage, or when they’re in front of you on the line for the bathroom. Somehow VH1, with some sort of demonic quality vacuum, manages to make the funniest people unfunny, the prettiest people unpretty, and the best copyeditors... uh, ok. I’ll stop there.

I’ve been making up my own shows when I complain about these programs to people (mostly strangers on the A, because my “real” friends don’t want to hear about this any more. Whatever!), like Sexiest Celebrity Shoes, Hottest Rockstar Ovens. But finally VH1 beat me at my own game last week with the inane and confusing Hottest Celebrity Pets. Who’s hot, the celebrity or the pet? I watched a few minutes of the show (the 3 minutes they had between 5 minute commercial breaks), and I was still confused. All I know is that celebrities taste in pets is identical to that of 60 year old Dominican women--they all have chihuahuas. Very very hot chihuahuas.

Perhaps I’m bitter because I haven’t been asked to be an “expert”. And yet look at my creds! I’ve read really bad stories at open mikes while spectacularly drunk, been involved with ill-conceived attempts at jokes in front of live audiences, and accused of stalking major contemporary authors. I even have the ethnically ambiguous look so popular in Gap ads these days. I know I’ve never written for Spin, but I did interview for production jobs at both Twist and Teen People. Also, I was on a press OK for another magazine when In Touch was also printing. Isn’t that enough?

VH1 peeps, I know these shows are very inexpensive to produce, but you know what’s even cheaper? Showing music videos! I know, crazy idea, but I think it could really take off.

2 Comments:

Blogger Jon Konrath said...

I don't get it. Are you supposed to fuck the celebrity pets? Is your pet supposed to hump the TV?

The only genius behind those stupid shows on viacom (MTV is guilty too) is that they are sitting on top of thise HUGE video library that is ripe for mining, and it costs them almost nothing. They tried to do this with Beavis and Butthead, and it worked, but it wasn't stable or cheap enough. Now they can crank out those Remember the 80s or 90s or 2003s or whatever, and aside from the lame comics, about half of it is snippets of old videos that make it more addictive to watch.

I also noticed they are selling CDs and stuff, and linking that shit in, too. So they show 3 seconds of a Billy Idol video and say "Billy Idol CDs only $7.97 on vh1.com/imstupid" or whatever.

I don't know if I should publically mention this before pitching it, but I think a perfect show for this would be "celebrity chronic diseases", and they would show how all of these former 80s rockers have brain tumors and breast cancer and other weird stuff, but it would show the old videos interspersed with the press conferences 20 years later where they are saying they have to get their testicles cut out or whatever. It would make MILLIONS.

11:41 AM  
Blogger Marie said...

You, sir, are a genius.

also, Poly the cat was very mad about the hottest celebrity pets. she wanted to know why she wasn't contacted, and i had to remind her that I'm not a celebrity, and then she got really mad. and she hit me. And she kept screaming at the tv "that ain't hawt! that aint hawt!" and Hank the cat wanted to know where Bubbles was.

also, i'm really looking forward to some "We Loved 'We Love the 80s' "shows where VH1 pretends it's the future and we're nostaglic for the nostaglia shows, and we see Hal Sparks and the guy who plays the yellow M+M electronically aged. It's post-modner, post-ironic, and post-funny. "I remember when CDs cost a NICKLE, and we walked to the mall though 10 feet of snow, uphill both ways!

12:08 PM  

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