Sunday, February 05, 2006

Live Puppybowl II blogging

For all of you out there who are not fans of the best TV on cable for the depressed and demented, Animal Planet, perhaps Puppybowl requires an explanation. Puppybowl, which conicidentally runs against the Superbowl, is an entire day of puppies running around on a tiny football field filled with things puppies enjoy--squeaky toys, water, and other puppies. There are instant replays, an occassional foul, and a bowlcam where we get to see puppy tongue up close and personal. I guess that's the puppy equivilent of being in the lockeroom. Now, after watching 20 minutes or so (OK, AN HOUR) of Puppybowl last year, I would have bet good money that there would be not a Puppybowl this year. Sure, 8 hours of 2 hour loops of cavorting bulldog and terrier babies was adorable, but that's not really entertainment, not even for a cable channel that's one step above public access. So, imagine my surprise to see that Puppybowl TWO was on all day on Animal Planet! Was I thrilled? Intrigued? Not exactly, but I was bored, so I did tune into Puppybowl TWO.

First off, TWO, like most sequels, is a poor substitute for the original. Gone are the adorable LITTLE puppies--this years crop seemed to be made up of almost exclusively adolescent hunting dogs, including no less that two springer spaniels, two beagles, a chow, and an angry and highly aggressive poodle who obviously felt out of place and isolated. Can you imagine his tantrum in the green room, on the phone to his agent?? "You promised me frenchies and puggles, and I'm competing with these butch monsters looking for ducks and foxes? If I make it out here alive, you are so fired, Sparky." I must at this point directly address the show's producers--if Puppybowl is an alternative to the Superbowl, why populate the playing field with dogs that appeal to people to watch the Superbowl? Are you mocking me, Puppybowl producers? I am not a 9 month old standard poodle--I am not to be mocked.

I was about to turn away, when lo! and behold, they began the halftime show. WITH KITTIES. Thank BAST. Kitties are much more entertaining than puppies, and even the producers, cruel people that they are, seemed to know this. The kitties get an upbeat disco, and then swing, soundtrack, while the puppies had some weird musak version of "Turkey in the Straw." For 20 minutes or so the kittens cavorted and gamboled, swatted at things, and practiced the art of surprise attack. And this is what truly separates the puppies from the kittens--the kittens are just much sneakier, and that makes them seem smarter. But the kittens didn't seem to enjoy the "finale," which consisted of a 5 minute confetti drop. It seemed as if some of the kittens were in danger of getting smothered by confetti.

But producers, again I am addressing you directly, there is no point in going back to the puppies after the halftime show. I changed the channel and watched a dating show starring Lisa Loeb. And I didn't even like "Stay"! Although you may want to add that to your Puppybowl III soundtrack. I hear that's popular with the dogs.